Family is a funny thing. You can do deny them for years, and one night will make you realize that genetics aren’t the only thing that ties you together.
Similar tastes, personalities, sense of humor, viewpoints, and a number of other characteristics will always keep you closer than you thought was possible.
Closer than the miles between you could prevent.
Family is family, no matter the influences.. regardless of how much you fight it.
Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a C. You give 110% to someone in a relationship who only gives 40%. You’re there for a best friend at 3:00am and the next day they don’t pick up their phone. It seems like you’re giving everyone everything and they’re just walking away with it.
(via the-potential)
Source: shehlovee
I’m trying. I really am.
I’ve looked into options.. it doesn’t look good.
I.. am so beyond lost. I’m going to self destruct if I can’t solve this within a couple days.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!
This is taking too long!
I still can’t stand to eat, pains shoot from my stomach at the first bite.
Water makes it gurgle at strange volumes and tones. What the fuck is wrong with me?!
I can’t even get up to do things without getting tired not 8min after. I could sleep 27hrs and still need more.
I spend more time alone with weed than sober with people.
I’m fighting the urge to find stronger stuff, I know it won’t help my current mental state but seeing a different evil in my mind might make this easier.
Music can only take me so far. Movies only allow for a temporary escape.
Books seem to be speaking gibberish at me, words don’t make sense!
And even worse, no sketching. No painting! What can I do now except rot. Rot from the soul out.
Mum says she doesn’t want me to lose the outlook I’ve always held, I say she take it up with the people who took it.
The friend who wasn’t there for me and the scum who jumped at the chance. Talk to my genetics, the ones who wanted me to be THAT fucked up.
And finally the memories that plague my dreams every night.
He’s always there, smiling showing me just how much he knew.
I’m running out of days, and more importantly out of ideas.
Tomorrow night marks the one year memorial of a few.. Sad deaths.
Naivety, trust and a different life where I and the people around me are entirely different.
It’s the day that up until recently I still believed you took everything away from me. A day where I fell and never in a million years I thought I would pick myself back up in a short 6 months. It definitely wasn’t easy, especially when I realized that in this hideous experience I had actually aught myself things.
You had managed to show me how life is a double sided blade, and while you inflicted this horror on me I passed it on to the next person in an effort to heal myself. That doesn’t make me any better than you. So.. In a way, we’re all our own enemies.
Unfortunately, something else came to light. I soon came to grips with the dark awareness that without you I wouldn’t know certain people would become to be who they are currently. Such as the seemingly peculiar stranger who turned out to be the love of my life, or the friend who said she’d always be there like family just completely backed out on me.
Not to mention that perhaps.. You gave me an opportunity to realize that Calgary wasn’t what I wanted, of course you didn’t do any of this on purpose, but I was out in February due to an expiring lease anyways. And what if I was still there? I more than likely would’ve ended up homeless. I could barely afford THAT house.
Another thing I picked up on was that.. When people turn to drugs and boozing to heal, you DO learn things. In my case, I learnt getting drunk as fuck, crying and punching people was not the healthiest way to deal with my issues. These days, the happier I get the less need I feel to be intoxicated to have fun. I barely drink, and sadly.. I rarely indulge in the herb. You’ve tainted the liquid demon for me, which I suppose I can thank you for.
Yeah, you also tainted a period in my life.. But that’s all it is: a period of time.
And now, with time and healing mixed with love and self-discovery, I’m almost entirely whole—I might even go as far as to say that I’m truly happier. Do I encourage what you did? Do I condone it?
No. I think I would be in a much different place right now with different people in my life, maybe I’d be happier than I am now or I’d be absolutely miserable. The thing is.. You took away that life for me, whatever it was. You completely took away my knowledge for it, something I will NEVER ever get back.
I won’t complain, I have a pretty fantastic life these days, even got myself some plans to move to Vancouver in the spring and pursue my biggest dreams.
You’re scum, you don’t even think what you did was wrong.. That’s fucked up. But I’ve learnt that even from the most violent acts against humanity, there is potential for good to flourish. I’m not a hideous human on the inside, despite your attempts to make me as foul as you, and I intend on using my newly found inner beauty to change the world.
One year later and I’m finally ready for life.
And don’t even take credit, anything I learnt from this experience was self-deducted. Asshole.
I’ve been exposed.
The virus is punk, the cure is unknown—nay! UNWANTED!
Exposed and only growing more infected by it as time wears on.
Slowly i delve deeper and deeper, finding i relate to more bands, feel the words sink in to a more significant level.
The culture won’t consume me, but it sure opened my eyes.
Acceptance within normal run-of-the-mill society?
Acceptance? More like assimilation.
You won’t suck me in!
I’m not an anarchist, i don’t revel in chaos or violence.
In fact, i’m the opposite, i believe in structure and guidance but i believe we should question things.
Don’t be led blind, educate and make your own decisions!
I dislike violence and even anger, especially at our equals. There ARE people who deserve our hatred, people who are scum.
Who deserve to be trampled and torn apart by a herd of metalheads.
Mooooo.
I’ve figured it out, it took a lot of self resentment and the helping hand of a wise wizard but i know what i have to do. I know the path i must walk is now under my feet, it’s crisp and smells good.
I can’t promise no more tears, i can’t promise i won’t stray off the path but i will always find it again it’s burned into my mind and glows brightly, smelling of flesh and blood and spirit.
It’s calling me, and i will come.
Ooooohh, i suspect the spring rains will find me under their cool mist.
I’m coming.
<3
Little over a week til TIFF!!
Tickets are bought, flight booked, and time off set aside!
6 days of chaotic bliss softly favourite human bean!
